Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
