you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
