Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
