Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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