they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
