I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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