I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
