"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
