I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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