I just pynch a tree in the face
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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