Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
