yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
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