and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
nutella sex= disaster
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
