Don't make out with my wife yet
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
