things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize