We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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