Have you finally orgasmed yet?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
