Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize