walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
