She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
