Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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