Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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