I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
you had me at cake vodka
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
