I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I woke up under a house in Key West
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