Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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