well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
