My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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