you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
where are my eyebrows?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
