yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
