A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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