you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
