why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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