Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
