So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
A+ Viking dick
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
