The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
