Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize