Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
