my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
