It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
