I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
YAS. BRING CRAB.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
