Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
