Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
