if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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