I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
