you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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