So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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