If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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