yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
