When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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