I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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