maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
