well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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