I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
