me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
