I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
