hotel room ftw
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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