How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
