I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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